Responsible Role Models

Food Child Abuse

2010-08-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

When I hear parents say things like, "my child will only eat chips or chicken nuggets," I am dismayed to think that their child has access to such rubbish daily. I am equally distressed when parents insist that their child will not eat healthier food choices like fruit and vegetables etc. In my experience, most children eat when they are hungry and it is parent's who choose what is available, not babies, toddlers and kids. Parents also decide what to consume in front of their children; where to take them to dine and what groceries to allow into their homes. If you want your child to get the maximum out of every aspect of their life, be a strong healthy role model and ensure that your child has access to a healthy diet every day. Educate your child to understand the benefits of eating correctly and the detriment of eating junk food.

Too many parents fail miserably when it comes to providing their children with a healthy, nutritionally balanced diet. I am constantly shocked and disgusted when I shop at the supermarket and see the amount of flavoured sodas, potato chips, starchy sugary white breads and processed frozen foods in people’s trolleys. Even driving past fast food outlets and seeing people inside with their children makes me feel nauseous, (you may as well feed your kid the cardboard box their meal comes in; just add copious amounts of sugar, fat and salt). Junk food and fast food are not cheaper options than fruit and vegetables; especially when you to add the extra medical and dental bills for health issues associated with poor dietary decisions. Cakes, sweets and such 'party' foods aren't really necessary, however if your child has them on rare occasions, they will appreciate them more anyway.

Regardless of how many media articles feature the detriment of excess sugars, fat and additives to our diets, people see fit to have their fill of these empty artery hardening calories. They make up excuses that are not remotely plausible and many of them blame external influences for their choices. It is one thing to deny yourself an adequately nutritional diet, however to role model such disgraceful eating habits to your child is worse. It is arguably criminal, (yes, some countries are considering legislation regarding obesity etc) to continually provide junk food to your children. Our kids are not garbage compactors, they are little people who have living cells, arteries, muscles, bones and brains that require nutritious fuel to enable them to reach their full potential physically and mentally.

In an article I wrote called Global Guardians - Protecting All Children a while ago, I summarised some of my basic ideas on child negligence. “Neglect: This can be the failure to provide basic necessities, for example: Adequate care; safe environment, appropriate shelter, nutritional food, educational opportunities medical care, and emotional support, are some examples. It also includes failure to leave a child in the supervision of safe adults, and abandonment.”

It is not only neglectful of parents to make the choices that lead to this disease amongst children; it is abusive and child protection agencies are beginning to recognise it as such. Even if your child does not look fat, if you are constantly letting them eat fatty, sugary processed foods, they aren't going to be in the peak of health. No child would choose to be over weight, ridiculed, weak, sleepy, hyper-active, diabetic, die young or any of the other side effects of malnutrition from a diet of junky fat and sugary food and drinks. How could a parent who claims to love their child make that choice for them and get away with it? Governments should not have to make legislation, or foot the bill for the medical strain poor parenting decisions have on the health of our population. It is up to parents, guardians and other role models in our children’s lives to step and be accountable for the ongoing health and happiness of ours and future generations. For help with this, see Yummy Healthy Tummy - Kids Healthy Eating Guide.

© 2010 Luisa Foliaki – Proud Mumma of MicroMe & MissyMe

Further reading on this topic:

Yummy Healthy Tummy - YummyHealthyTummy.com

Nutrition and The Brain - Neuroscience For Kids

Child Obesity and Abuse - AMA Doctors4Health

Wallet vs Waist: Fast-food Cost Per Calorie - MSN SmartMoney

Obesity and Related Illnesses - Free Online Health

Slap Smack Spank

2010-07-15T02:43:00.000-07:00

As a parent and role model, I prefer to model the type of behaviour that I would like my children to exhibit. Therefore, I do not slap, smack or spank them when they 'misbehave.' I have two very strong and intelligent children, I do not want them to learn to resolve his issues by bashing the bejeezus (sp) out of someone when reasoning, tolerance or turning the other cheek are more civilised and socially acceptable options, (not to mention legal).

I often see parents when I am in the mall or supermarket, slapping their kids because they whine, or smacking them on the butt for disobeying them, or spanking them because they are obviously tired and bored and are acting out... Way to solve a problem parents... NOT! I guess if it is ok for you to slap, smack or spank these small defenseless individuals because they annoy you; you aren't going to object if someone bigger than you follows up with a quick uppercut, shoulder charge or elbow in return?

So maybe you think that is a stupid question; so here are some more serious ones that I would be interested in receiving intelligent answers to. These are questions I originally posted on an article in 2007 and I have yet to be satisfied with a sensible response to any of them.

1. At what age do people decide it is ok to do this to their infant/child?

2. At what age would they cease doing this to their child/teenager?

3. How would they feel if somebody else disciplined their child in this manner?

4. Do they consider that if they did the same to their spouse that it would be domestic violence?

5. What if they did it to someone outside the family; then it would be assault?

6. Have they tried alternative forms of discipline, such as time out, removing privileges, or rewards for good behaviour?

7. Don't they worry that their children will fear and resent them; not love and respect them?

8. When does a spanking change from strict discipline to child abuse?

9. How successful is this form of punishment; does the child learn a lesson from what they did wrong, or do they only remember the punishment?

10. What gives adults the right to inflict pain on their offspring, when it would be illegal to do it to anyone else?

11. Why would anyone want to inflict pain on their own children, when there are so many alternatives available?

12. What kind of example is being provided to children, by using corporal punishment; what have they learned?

These are the simple questions; I have more complex ones, however these are things I just can't comprehend as being sensible on my own. I challenge someone to provide me with intelligent answers, that explain why physical punishment is better than reasoning and teaching your child better, safer, more acceptable ways to behave.

I strongly suggest that if you have a child with a behavioural issue, look closely in the mirror and ensure that you are doing all you can to encourage positive parenting practises instead of the violent option. While violence provides a short term fix; it does not teach skills that are acceptable in any social arena or outside the ring, fight cage and off the mat

© 2010 Luisa Foliaki – Proud Mumma of MicroMe & MissyMe

These are conclusions that I have come to on my own as a parent. In fact, this article is based on a comment that I left on someone elses article back in 2007, however I did not receive any response, let alone a sensible one. However, when posting today, I decided to add some further links for anyone who is interested in reading more about this subject.

Further reading on this topic:

Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Kids - by Jan Hunt, M.Sc.

Child Behavior: What Parents Can Do to Change Their Child's Behavior - FamilyDoctor.org

Parents Who Smack - PhD Candidate (Psychology) at the University of Otago, Jonathan Jong

There are other ways to discipline a child other than spanking - Juzzy on Minti

Happiness Lies Within Us

2010-06-23T02:13:00.000-07:00

Different Is Not A Dirty Word

Unfortunately most of us who live in well developed economies live a fairly sheltered and controlled life. Most of us who live this life aren’t even aware of it; we were born into it and know no better. We are shaped by our parents, family members, teachers, coaches, peers, the media and other role models to fit into what is seen as the acceptable norm. Laws (often outdated), are made for the masses; supposedly to protect the majority, however that excludes many individuals. We are expected to be happy because ‘they’ are happy with us and we are conforming to a model that is deemed appropriate. However as many ‘successful people’ have shown, conforming to the expectations of others does not necessarily lead to true happiness. If we differ from 'the norm' we are at the very least, labelled, and in the extreme, vilified for our beliefs. This travesty is a waste of human resources; for our questions; and solutions to them are one of the world's most valuable resources.

Rise And Fall Of The Rich And Famous

Often we find that so-called successful people may be happy on the exterior; however all is not well within. The general news media, (which seems to have degenerated into commercial gossip, that was once the realm of tabloids), is oft to report on the misfortunes of the rich and famous. Reports regarding illegal drugs, alcohol, unfaithful behaviour, violence, lying, cheating, arrests etc are not only prevalent, they seem to be acceptable. A very common explanation that these people give, is that they were 'searching for something', or they were 'under too much pressure.' This is unfortunate, for many of our children and perhaps even we adults look up to these people. Does it make these people bad? Of course not, however if you don't want your own children do not follow this path, you need to instil a strong sense of self love, self awareness and self esteem. Children should be encouraged to ask questions, give their opinions and be honest about their feelings without fear or judgement from their parents.

How To Encourage Your Child’s Uniqueness

Allow your children to be honest with themselves and others about their opinions and true feelings, (tactfully of course). While your children may look like you and have similar traits and skills to you; respect them for who they are and allow them to be that person. Help them to explore new ideas; the way things are, is not always the way things should continue to be. People in charge are not always right; if someone has more power than you, you do not need to give in to their truth if you feel it is wrong. Living simply does not mean you are poor, just as indulging in luxury does not mean that you are rich, there is more to happiness than financial wealth. Celebrate your child’s individuality and encourage your children to have a high sense of self esteem and to seek knowledge as power, or in the words of my old school motto, “Seek Wisdom As Gold.” They will be better equipped to accept people different to themselves, to cope with adversity and remain steadfast in their goals.

Allow Yourself To Learn From Children

When my son was born, I was confused and overwhelmed with the responsibility of parenting him... Now I am revelling in the privilege accorded to me; he is my inspiration and an excellent reminder of what life is about. He is enthusiastic about life, he is fit to burst as he's so full of fun and he keeps us honest with an endless barrage of questions. He does not pretend to be anything he is not, he laughs when he is happy, he cries when he is sad, he challenges the status quo and he has an excellent thought process that is not hindered by the belief systems of others. When my daughter was born, the words, bliss and joy kept going round and round in my head... Finally I knew the true meaning of these words, yet I now realise that I was born full of bliss and joy, as were we all. As with most people, I was taught to conform; you don’t run around being enthusiastic, fun, honest, blissful and joyous on a daily basis without attracting some criticism. I am grateful that I have two beautiful children who have taught me that the only person we need to love and approve of us, is our self. The answer to all your problems lies within; as does true happiness.

Whilst I have come to this conclusion based on my own life experiences, many influences have slowly, (painfully slowly unfortunately), have started to gel to a truth that is improving my outlook on life and even importantly, my children's future. I have not read all of the books below, however I admire the authors and perhaps they can convey a truth along the same lines that sits well with you.

Further reading, (by far better authors) that influenced me:

The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz

The Mastery Of Love - Don Miguel Ruiz

The Luck Factor - Dr. Richard Wiseman

Secrets Of The Monarch - Allison DuBois

Love Smart - Dr Phil

Sensing Spirit - Mitchell Coombes

People that influenced me by attending seminars and sessions:

Anthony Robbins

Rose Bendell

I have also been very lucky to have worked with, played sports with and been associated with many bright, talented, wonderful people; too many to mention, (though if you read The Luck Factor, maybe it was by my own design). The thing that I admired most about them is that they seem to fit well within their own skin and be happy to be who they are, despite any trials and tribulations they have suffered.

Fundamentals Of Friendship

2010-04-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Warringah Ratettes - Sydney Women's Premiership Winners 2007

Friendship can be a fickle thing, and as parents, we should do our best to guide our children to be good friends, regardless of how their friends treat them. The old adage that friends are the family that we create for ourselves is very true. Life's joys are enhanced when you share them with family and friend's, just as life's sorrows are easier to bear when you have loved ones to support you.

Through out our lives we experience all types of friendships and family relationships; some are healthy and some can be quite poisonous; we can learn from them all. However we shouldn't let any of our negative experiences affect our children's friendships and jade their view of other people. Instead, we should teach them how to be a good friend, and to recognise friends that are good for them; quality, is far more important than quantity.

This is my view on friendship, and as arguably their most influential role model; I will try to pass this philosophy on to my children. I will teach them that sometimes your friends may not always be on your side, or agree with you, however that is ok as long as they want what's best for you.

Friend's The Spice of Life

Life is like a great big juicy meal, you can nibble around the edges, and blow on it tentatively just in case it's too hot. Or you can throw caution to the wind and attack it with gusto, taking your fill and not worrying too much if you get burnt in the process. Life can be pretty bland, so to spice it up a bit, you throw in some friends... Friends can be very flavoursome, sweet, sour, hot, cold. The point is, they are there to enhance your life, and enrich it - not to be your life - for that has substance on it's own. As with herbs and spices in your meals, you often have different friends for different situations; life long friends from childhood; school friends; work friends; sporting friends; friends of friends; online friends; and acquaintances with whom you are friendly.

The key to having so many friends is ACCEPTANCE... Accept that they may not agree with everything that you do or say, yet know that they will respect you and support you if needed. How do you know that your friends will do this for you? Because that is exactly what you will do for them - and they know it. Seriously, do you agree with everything that all of your friends say and do? I doubt it, and if you pretend to, then you aren't really a good friend, as that is lying by omission, and not showing them your true self or being honest with them.

True friends don't expect their friends to follow them blindly, nor do they try to manipulate support for the actions they take and the choices they make. My wonderful friends don't use emotional blackmail to try and get you to support their point of view. They know, that even if I disagree with them publicly, I do so because I must follow my own conscience, make my own informed decisions as an adult, and travel my own path. I would be very disappointed if they themselves did anything less, and we are all confident in the knowledge that we will always be there when it really counts.

My friends know that I will say what I think always, and that I am honest in my expression of my opinion and fair - I treat everyone the same way - no exceptions. When I do something that is totally out of line, I listen to them, as I value their opinion. I take pleasure that someone cares enough to tell me if I am making a fool of myself, or heading for trouble. I will do the same for a friend, rather than stand by and watch them do something to the detriment of themselves or others. Someone who cared less, and was merely a 'yes' friend, or as I like to call them a 'sheep' would not risk the aggravation, as it's easier to just get along by being agreeable all the time.

Like spices, certain friends are better suited to specific foods. They come in varying flavours and strengths, and they make that slice of life taste delicious. You can spit them out and regurgitate them, however I find that it is best to grin and bear it when they don't taste so good You can't have too many real friends who accept you for what you are; can you? Imagine how bland your meal would be if you added spice to it that just blended in all the time?

Above all friends should enhance your life and be FUN! If they leave a funny taste in your mouth all the time, and make you feel uncomfortable, you can avoid that particular taste; remove them from your menu. Alternatively, you can store them away, for when your taste buds change, or they mature in flavour. Encourage your children to build a vast menu of friends and acquaintances for every occasion. Remember that the most important ingredient in any friendship recipe, is to be an honest, trustworthy, supportive friend yourself.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe & MissyMe

Honesty And Integrity

2010-04-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

As our children grow, they will be faced with occasions where their beliefs and behaviour are questioned. Their peers will take every opportunity to comment and make fun of any differences they show during their schooling years.

When children move on to adult hood, the decisions and choices they make in life will begin to affect their future. They may not always be successful in everything they attempt, and they will neither like, nor be liked by everyone they meet. Not being liked by everyone is a fact of life that need not hinder them in becoming the best person they can be..

As parents we need to try and model the type of behaviour that will help them to remain confident and steadfast with a healthy self esteem. We also need to model honesty, consistency and integrity in all that we do and say, to instil the importance of these traits in our children.

Information Overload – Don’t Believe Everything You Hear…

Or read for that matter, take the time to do some research and find out whether or not you are being told the truth. Even if you hear something from what you believe to be a trusted source – know that nobody is infallible – even when well meaning, and that ignorance is no excuse for you to make a poor decision. Teach your child to make empowered decisions and to form opinions based on the truth - show him the tools that he or she can use to find factual information.

Research is so easy for all of us; we have so many resources readily available...

Word of mouth - ask your friends, family and acquaintances use their experience and knowledge to help guide you.

Inside information - Look up companies and people who may know more on the topic and ask them for more details.

Your own personal life experience – learn to trust yourself and your own gut instinct when making a final decision.

Knowledge is power - the power to make informed decisions based on your research, your own life experience and your judgment is invaluable.

Don’t simply agree with something because you were told it – use your brains and find out the truth, there is no excuse for ignorance with so many forms of information media at our fingertips.

Be True To Yourself - Don't Be A 'Yes' Person...

Establish yourself as a good honest, reliable person in all that you do - decide what traits are important to you in a person, and be that person. You don’t need to be liked by everyone, as long as you have personal integrity in all that you say and do. Being true to yourself and presenting an accurate representation of your beliefs and opinions to the world will draw like-minded people to you. Many people do anything to get attention, and get their family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances on their side – this short term fix can be quite damaging.

Poor decisions that people make in order to be popular...

Follow blindly – in order to please other’s and be accepted, people put aside their own belief system and either follow the leader, or the pack.

Being two faced – saying one thing and doing another, pretending to be a friend only to learn secrets about someone. Even if you say nice things and only think bad things that contradict this, you are still lying. Lying becomes a habit, and lying to yourself promotes unhealthy inner dialog, and low self esteem.

Gossiping – it becomes a habit, and usually involves divulging other people’s secrets, telling stories that aren’t substantiated, and trying to influence other people. Eventually, nobody will trust you, and you will be ostracised - even by people who care for you.

Attention seeking - being a drama queen about all life's ups and downs - even living your life through other people's dramas in an effort to be noticed.

Lying about yourself - making up stories to make you seem more interesting, or outright lies to make you seem nicer. The truth always surfaces, be yourself, if that isn't good enough for someone else; it is your lucky escape, and their loss.

Essentially people who are displaying the above-mentioned traits are fake; and real people can only be fooled for so long. They are neither being true to themselves of their friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances. It is very unhealthy, as it causes inner stress and it can lead to a lot of heart ache. People make some very silly decisions when they are caught in this situation, and their integrity can be permanently damaged.

By being a person who thinks for themselves; conducts themselves with integrity, and remains open to continued learning, you are being an excellent role model for your child. Remember that this applies in all aspects of your personal and professional life, whether you are dealing with people in person, by telephone, or online.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe & MissyMe

Early Communication

2008-03-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

How Early Does Communication Begin?

Prior to birth for some babies, and definitely from being born, a baby’s parents are the most influential role models and they learn the art of effective communication from you. If you are currently pregnant and your baby is moving, it has no doubt been reacting to different noises, light, positions that your body is in, and food that you have eaten while in the womb. Look for patterns in this behaviour, and learn to enjoy it – or like me, you can almost learn to tell the time by it if your baby has a predictable routine.

We played games with our baby before he was born with a torch and he kicked at the light on my tummy. He also liked his back and bottom gently massaged and wriggled happily. He did somersaults in response to loud engines. After 21 months in the world – he still likes these things.

How Do I Communicate With My Baby?

It is fairly common knowledge that you should talk to your baby, sing to your baby and read to your baby from birth, (if you haven’t begun while it is in the womb). In Australia most babies in areas that have the facilities, are tested for hearing within the first 24hrs of birth - even if your baby does have a hearing problem, some of this advice may still be of interest to you. This is the beginning of your child’s understanding of language, and it begins to realise that the words you say have meanings. At the same time, you are probably realising that the different cries your baby makes have different meanings. There were four main reasons that our baby cried in the first 9 months or so, and they were all easy to fix:

Hunger – quite a persistent cry, and justly so when your baby is hungry or thirsty. You will know straight away if you have this right, it only takes a few seconds to appease a hungry bubs.
Discomfort – your baby needs a nappy change, is hot or cold, or may need to be placed in a different position if very young.
Nurturing – your baby wants to be picked up, held and cuddled, of if you are busy, keep your baby near you and sing or talk to him or her.
Tired – that grizzly half hearted cry indicating that sleep is the only option, as nothing else will recharge those baby batteries.

(See the links I have added below for baby communication)

Once you have established these cries and their meanings, it is pretty simple to sooth your baby and attend to his or her needs. It will be easier for you to differentiate between normal cries and the distressed cries of a sick or teething baby and treat the baby accordingly.

Take the time to learn which cries mean what; knowledge makes you both feel a lot more confident. You will feel confident that you can take the appropriate action to attend to your baby’s cries, and your baby will feel confident that your action in response to his or hers cries is going to make everything better. You are having effective communication with each other, and this is rewarding to both of you!

When Will My Baby/Child Begin To Talk?

This is a very common question, and of course the answer is different for every child, as with all things, they speak at their own pace. Some children are destined to talk early, as it is in their nature, and within their ability to do so at an early age. Many other children who are encouraged just as much, and are very capable in many other ways, chose not to talk verbally until well after they are 2 years old.

Always talk to your baby and tell them what you are doing, how, and why. Think of yourself as a television commentator and describe your actions in a fun way as you do them. If you are cooking, put bubs in view, or get an older toddler or child to ‘help’. Run your own cooking show with your avid audience, talk about the food, what it tastes like, why it is good for you have fun with it. When you go for a walk, name everything you see, talk about colours, noises, look for animals, and make each outing a discovery adventure. Have fun, see the world through their eyes, and talk it up big time, say hello to people you pass, wave and take the time to chat to other people, they have a lot of knowledge to share and often lack companionship.

For the record, we have a 21 month old chatter box, who verbally speaks in small sentences and has a substantial vocabulary that grows daily. However it is his skills of comprehension, I am most impressed by the many other ways in which he communicates – body language, actions, copying, acting out etc. Even if he had a limited vocabulary, at this stage, I wouldn’t worry, as he is quite capable of clearly communicating his needs and feelings in different ways.

My Baby/Toddler/Child Get’s Frustrated Because They Can’t Talk

Well, at a young age, babies can’t ‘talk’, however they can curl their fingers, so they can do a very basic sign – milk. Basically for a young baby of 6mths, or even younger – this remedies about a quarter of the reasons your baby would cry in a day. You just brought yourself some silent happy time, and your baby has communicated to you in a meaningful way, and a whole new world of fun is opening up.

We started with milk, eat, and birds, as these were of most interest to our son. For those with frustrated toddlers who don’t talk much – teach them to sign their needs and wants to you. It is easy, and they will enjoy it if you treat it like a game, with the ultimate reward being that you understand each other. Even older children who can speak; get silent and grizzly when they are over-tired. It can be a guessing game trying to sooth their tears and the erratic behaviour when exhausted. Again, this is a good time for them to fall back on signing to you so you can help them to settle and calm down.

Our little man often loses it just before bed time; however you can see he wants something… Often he refuses to speak – yet with encouragement, he will sign that he wants a bottle or a certain toy – even if he has said no when you originally asked him.

How Will I Teach My Child To Communicate By Signing?

In general, we use many signs when we talk anyway – especially those who are very animated with their hands, so your baby, toddler or child is already familiar with communicating by hand. You can base your signs on these, invent them as you go, or look up the sign language for your local country online, or the Deaf Association appropriate to your area. Alternately, you can attend classes or purchase a specialised baby signing kit – that will most likely be based on the sign language used in your country – I have added links below to some sites as examples.

We purchased a kit; it contains flash cards, a booklet and a DVD, I haven’t really used it much, though it is a good way to start. I learned most of what we use when I baby sat for a little deaf girl for a few years - being deaf, she was easily frustrated until she learned to sign. We have a very happy relaxed toddler who has no problem communicating his needs to us; as a result, toddler tantrums are extremely rare in our home, (so far). If you always speak and emphasize the word you are signing, and when your child is comfortable saying the word, they will stop signing it and say it instead.

One funny note about the signing… When our son was 18 months old, he was entertaining two young ladies, who were 5 months and 6 months old. He used more sign language with them than he ever did normally – I guess he thinks it is how babies talk.

How Is Your Child Progressing?

Try not to compare your child to other children you know, or what the latest book or article says they should be doing. If you have a genuine worry – seek medical advice, and find out where you really stand. In the meantime, give your child the encouragement, and the tools to communicate to the best of their own ability.

Don’t underestimate how much they can comprehend, even if they can’t express themselves freely yet. As parents, you are their greatest role model in all aspects of communication and interaction with others. Be aware and diligent at all times, as you are being watched closely by your children. Being able to communicate confidently and effectively opens up a world of infinite possibilities, I hope that this can help someone who is concerned about their baby, toddler or child.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe & MissyMe

Links to further reading on this topic:
Dunstan Baby Language
Tiny Talk
Raising Children Network

Celebrate Your Cherub

2008-02-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

Naming Day Candles

Every now and then, questions pop up and discussions arise in regard to Christenings, Baptisms, or Naming Days. It is up to you and your partner to make the decision that suits YOU best as to whether you wish to have a religious ceremony to welcome your child into the world. After due consideraton, this is what we choose to have a Naming Day to formally introduce our son and our expectations for him, to his community of family and friends.

We felt a family obligation to Christen Jayden, as was tradition - on Stephen's side. However, both sides are different religions, and neither of us wanted to pick either one for Jayden, and he was too young to decide what he wanted. We did however want to celebrate his life, and confirm the role that we, his parents, and our family friends will play in his upbringing. Therefore we decided to have a Naming Day, as we felt that this would fulfill our needs. This is a basic outline that we prepared for our ceremony, I hope it gives you a clearer idea of why we chose to do this, and helps you with your decision:

The Introduction:

Our very good mutual friend Matt, (who introduced us, so is somewhat responsible for MicroMe/Jayden), presided over the celebration, and we wrote this speech for him to read as part of the celebration. 'As he grows up, Jayden will be taught about as many religions as possible. This will enable him to make informed decisions in the future regarding his religion of choice. It will also give him a greater understanding and respect for those with backgrounds that differ to his own. His parents would like to commit to the following pledges for Jayden'.

Our Pledge To Jayden:

We will nurture you in a loving and caring environment, so that you grow into a kind, considerate, empathetic person.
We will help you to seek and gain knowledge, ensuring that you learn to make educated choices and good decisions for your future.
We will support you in your endeavours, allowing you the confidence to take on and complete anything you wish.
We will provide you with a balanced lifestyle, ensuring that you appreciate all that life has to offer, family, friends and fun.
We will provide you with the tools that you need to become the best possible person you can be, both personally and professionally.
We will give you respect and understanding as you go forth in the world, so that you can do the same for others.
We will not influence you with any prejudices or preconceived ideas that we have, so your future is not hindered by our past.
We will ensure you understand that the more effort you put into your life, the more you will receive in life.

The Conclusion:

Matt then finished off with this, 'thank you all for joining us today, please help yourself to some refreshments, and Jayden would personally like to give everybody present a cuddle and have his photo with you to add to his time capsule. He also has note paper and pens available so that you can add your thoughts and wishes for him to read on his 18th birthday.' We also had lovely little sachets of lavender from Great Nanna Terri's garden, with a ribbon attaching a card with Jayden's photo commemorating the day, for our guests to take as they left.

In Retrospect:

Now we have a pile of secret sealed envelopes for Jayden to open on his 18th birthday in his keepsake baby box. Something very special was a note that his great grandfather Paddy had written just before he died; which was 4months before Jayden was born. Jayden also wore his great, great, grandmother's christening gown and cape, which is handmade and over 120 years old, it is a beautiful tradition, and he was the first of his generation to wear it. Other family and friends who couldn't attend, have posted letters and cards to Jayden, for his keepsake baby box too.

Still Deciding?

We felt very privileged to have had Jayden be part of a wonderful family tradition, and satisfied that we had been true to ourselves and him in our choice at this time. It is a very personal choice, and I hope that this has given you some ideas toward whatever special day you choose to celebrate your baby or child. If you had been thinking about whether or not to bother with a special day - I do recommend it. We felt so proud of our little man being in the lime light, it was a great way for him to meet the people he will know and love for the rest of his life. We have beautiful photos and memories of the day, and it is something we will always treasure.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe & MissyMe

Naming Day Balloons

Responding And Reacting

2008-02-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

Responsible Driver (LOL)

The way in which we respond to what we perceive as obstacles in our daily lives, will be closely monitored by our babies, toddlers and children. I emphasise that these are our perceived obstacles, as this is something that can only be measured by each individual. I see obstacles, and adversities, as challenges; this is my choice, and I find it makes dealing with them a lot easier.

Unfortunately it seems that in our busy lives, many people are stressed out and react strongly to things that some people barely rate as events each day. This stress can be transferred to our babies and children, as well as teach them bad habits. The examples below, are the type of things that most of us have faced at some time; ask yourself how you usually cope in these types of situations?

You are running late; you spent ages looking for your car keys, you are about to run out the door when bubs decides it's time to take a massive dump...

Do you cheerfully change it, have a good laugh and think well better now than when we are out. Then call ahead to apologise, and let people know you will be late.
Do you rush back in, change the baby as fast as you can, getting both of you flustered, bolt out the door and rush to be on time – only to arrive late and blame the baby

The response in the first case removes any stress, and allows you to have the extra time you need without rushing. The second method is a reaction that many people take, and usually results in more stress.

You're driving; your light turns green, you enter the intersection, you realise that another car is about to run the red, and slam on your brakes; narrowly avoiding a collision...

Do you beep your horn to get the attention of the other driver – hoping they will take note to be more careful next time, and avoid another potential accident. Breathe a sigh of relief; delight in the fact that you were alert, then carry on with your day as usual?
Do you blast your horn and carry on getting angry, upset, holding up traffic in the process, then spend the rest of the day telling people about the other terrible driver, and get increasingly angrier each time you retell your story?

The first response is calm, you have learned that regardless of who has the right of way, it's worth taking a good look around before proceeding in the future. The second reaction is more common, and creates something to dwell on all day long.

Reactions are often based on things learned from your past, and often your reaction is totally inappropriate to the current situation, and is often detrimental to your own sense of well being. Most reactions are subconcious, and your subconcious is not highly skilled at reasoning, or fully understanding individual situations; often resulting in over reacting. We are all empowered to make a conscious decision about what you will allow to be stressful in your day, unfortunately a large number of people don't use that power.

If you learn to develop good habits in your daily life, and respond to situations and deal with them as challenges instead of obstacles, you will be better prepared when life drops an unwanted nasty bombshell, or traumatic event in your lap. So will your children, for they will be emulating their most influential role models; you, their parent. It is easy to externalise and blame other people and outside events for how you feel, however if you take ownership for your thoughts, feelings and behaviour, you can make yourself a happier person.

For me, this is the difference between responding and reacting. Respond: Conscious; smart; calculated; positive; solution orientated; responsible; strong; often resulting in a long term positive resolution. React: Subconscious; silly; involuntary; aggressive; habitual; weak; often resulting in negative or little achievement. I believe that if you work hard at responding sensibly to situations, eventually your reaction will closely resemble your response.

Show your babies, toddlers, children, and teenagers how to seek a solution and respond responsibly when faced with setbacks, rather than to react irrationally. Teach them that they control their feelings, and actions, always, no matter what external factors are present in their lives. Being confident in this knowledge will help them when life throws them a curve ball, and it is never too early or late to learn or practice this type of thought process.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe

Life's Little Injuries

2008-02-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

Trashed Play Gym

Our little man is a real rough and tumble little character, he crawls at the speed of sound, runs at light speed and climbs with the determination of Sir Edmund Hilary. (Well at least it feels like that if you are chasing around after him all day). As such, he is often bumping and falling about the place, or jamming his fingers when he bangs his toys, giving himself little injuries. He is generally pretty tough, and if we laugh at him, he just carries on like a little mack truck dragging stuff all over the house and getting into mischief.

Like all babies, toddlers and children, he trips, falls, and bangs his way around all day. How this affects him, and his reaction when this happens is very much based on how we respond to each incident. As adults, we have the experience to know what is serious, and what is general day to day stuff. With every day bumps and scrapes, we make light of it. We acknowledge it, as it would be bad manners not to, however we don't rush to pick him, we tell him to pick himself up. We say uh oh, or oops, (as does he now), and if that little bottom lip is trembling we give the injured part a quick kiss, and send him on his way.

Sometimes when he really hurts himself, like enough to leave a good mark or bruise, and the tears are flowing, we have a quick fix. We take him to the basin or nearest water supply and place the injured part of him, either under the running tap, or into the cool water. The reason we started to do this was to distract him and give him a quick placebo which has always worked to cheer him up. However I now encourage my friends and family to do the same thing, for one day - heaven forbid, but it's bound to happen - he will have a serious injury that requires cold water or ice as an emergency treatment. Having learned from an early age that this means the pain will go away, and he will feel better - we hope that he will accept the treatment when it is really necessary.

The other day he walked up to an open drawer, then leaned on it with all his weight, closing it on his fingers before I could grab him. There was quite a nasty purple line across his fingers, and he was in obvious pain. As soon as I picked him up and headed toward the tap, he calmed down and stopped that blood curdling scream that makes your heart break. Cooling the injury with the cold water was not only the correct, sensible treatment for him, he stopped crying and eagerly put his hand into the water immediately without struggling.

Children are all very flexible, and very supple, they can bounce back from injuries that aren't serious, and continue on their way very quickly. As long as we respond with a minimum of fuss, and encourage this. I have always found that the children who make the most fuss about small injuries do so because their parent's react in a similar manner. Of course, when they are tired, all this goes out the window, and everything hurts twice as much, and cuddles, are definitely required. It also means that you will know when they are seriously hurt, because they won't be making a fuss about nothing.

Of course we would like to protect him from every possible injury that could occur in the future... Yet I doubt that we can, or all parents that have gone before would have done the same. It is great to know that we can at least treat him and calm him in the first instance when he gets a bump, bruise or scratch in his day to day explorations, and hopefully when a more serious situation arises. I hope this helps you if you have a budding rock climber, kick boxer, rugby player or triathlon runner on your hands... Or just a little weekend warrior prowling about your house .

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe

PS - Since writing this, MicroMe has progressed to using ice to calm himself down - this is also very handy for ascertaining where his actual injury is, as crying kids don't often speak. He also finds it very comforting, as it is a happy habit for him when he is sore and sad.

Trashed But Happy!

Encouraging Independence

2008-02-16T20:04:00.001-08:00

Independent Climber

From the moment a baby is born, we parents are caring for them, nurturing and protecting them. We provide shelter, warmth, food, and a seemingly never ending change of nappies. We clean, cuddle, fuss over, sing and talk to our little babies. They seem so small and vulnerable. - well that isn’t entirely true; these little bundles aren’t quite as helpless as we think. Your baby is born with some reflexes that will help it survive – these are just a few examples – there are more, most of which disappear between 2 and 6 months.

Moro or Startle Reflex: The infant reach out it’s arms and legs, then bring them across it’s body in a protective motion.
Palmar Grasp: When you touch the palm of your baby’s hand, it’s fingers will curl around yours, or an object.
Plantar Grasp: When you stroke the sole of your baby's foot, his toes will spread open and the foot will turn slightly inward.
Sucking: This reflex ensures that the baby will nurse either at the breast or with a bottle. It is replaced by voluntary sucking after a couple of months.
Rooting Reflex: When you stroke your baby’s cheek, it will turn towards you in search of food.
Stepping Reflex: If you hold your baby in the air, or hold it over a surface, it will make a walking motion.

One of our Paediatricians told us that a healthy baby can make it’s way up to the breast to feed in about 3hours if you were lying there, and it was left to his own devices. I haven’t seen any documentation of it online – however it seemed to make sense, and our wriggler certainly looked capable of it at the time. It dawned on me then, that this scrawny, jaundiced, 2.5kg baby - was going to become, a big strong 6 foot tall boy in a few years, and how much responsibility we had to help him reach his full potential.

One role we have as parents is to help our babies prepare to survive alone one day, and equip them with as many skills as possible to do so. From the moment we got home from the hospital with our MicroMe, we never placed any toys - or other objects of desire - directly in to his hands. We would hold them a few centimetres away, and let him reach for them. As his skills developed, we made him work harder to get the things he wanted. He never really liked tummy time or crawling, however he sort of hauled himself toward whatever he wanted – or rolled to it instead. As he become stronger or seemed to be developing a particular skill, we encouraged him to learn how to do it properly, for his own safety.

Some people wanted to do more for him, and baby him all the time, we always encouraged him to do whatever he could for himself, and discouraged people from babying him. We found that he was very easy going and content compared to some of his peers at the same age. I believe that this was partly because he could sign - milk, eat and more - from when he was about 6months old. Simple communication like this eliminated quite a bit of time where a baby would normally be grizzling. He found the ability to communicate very rewarding, and signed a lot before he could talk. He is well coordinated, very confident and friendly. Although we have taught him to be cautious about new things, and new people - at the moment, he takes our lead in this area.

Watch your baby for signs that he or she is ready to move on and learn something new, and encourage them to try things over and over again. While it’s important to be aware of when most milestones should be achieved – I would use the greater age limit as a rough guide. If you are particularly concerned – seek professional, or medical advice. Try not to worry so much about a timetable for your baby’s achievements, enjoy them as they are in between for this time in their life passes by so fast. Most babies and toddlers can't read, so they don't tend to conform to, some book, website, your friend’s and family’s ideals.

There are plenty of times when babies (and parents), need to sit around and have cuddles, though it shouldn’t be instead of doing something age appropriately active and educational. Let your baby make mistakes, let them learn that to fall does hurt, allow them the opportunity to think for themselves and solve their own problems. Not only is it a good habit for them to develop - it is a good habit for you as a parent to develop. Be positive in the face of daily adversities, and try new things. Don't give up or get annoyed just because things don't always work out - keep trying, and do what you can to be happy and successful in your life too. We have learned from MicroMan, that he comprehends far more than we think, and he doesn't miss a trick - it keeps us on our toes, and makes us better people.

Safe mothering, or parenting does not mean smothering... You will grow and learn, with your child, it is one of life's great experiences.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe

Some research on the correct names of newborn reflexes was made on the following sites: About.com Wikipedia

Independent Explorer

Building Self Esteem

2008-02-16T05:53:00.000-08:00

Confident Baby

It's never too soon to start building positive self esteem in our babies and toddlers. Let them know they are a person who is valued in the world. Our children are a reflection of us, and this begins from the moment they are born; many people start influencing babies while they are in the womb. We certainly did, and you can ‘play’ games with them – Jay used to kick where ever we shone a flashlight on my tummy. He would squirm around to get his feet in the right place – then whammy. It was a great way to get him to change position if I was uncomfortable in the latter stages of pregnancy. He also loved the sound of cars and would kick when he heard loud ones in the street or at the races, and movies that featured loud cars. I would sing him to sleep at around 8pm and he would have a little nap at that time most nights.

There are basic physical things a parent needs to do to ensure a babies survival; providing it with nutrition, a sheltered environment and cleanliness; including changing it’s nappies etc. Parents also need to nurture their baby's egos to give them the best chance of having good self esteem. Nurturing includes; skin to skin contact; cuddling; kissing; singing (or maybe not, singing); talking; eye contact; smiling; playing; teaching; reading books; speaking in a caring tone of voice. These things will affect your baby’s self esteem immensely, for, until they reach the stage of being a toddler, they see themselves and the world through your eyes. The way that we interact with other people also affects them; in front of them we must watch our tone of voice, our language, and our actions. They watch our expressions closely, and they copy nearly everything they learn at this age from us.

Some reasons to build you baby/toddler’s self esteem:

It will make them feel loved and important.
It will provide them with confidence to try new things.
It will give them the courage to try things again if they fail the first time.
It will help them to make friends and enjoy social interaction with others.
It will encourage them to be more independent and explore the world around them.
It will give them the power to think outside the square and revise their plans when things don’t work out.
It will give them confidence when faced with setbacks or adversity in the future.

Things that we can do to help create good self esteem in babies and toddlers:

Make a big deal over every single good thing your child does. This will not only boost their confidence, it will also encourage them to be better behaved in general. If they are being funny, tell them, ‘that is funny’ and laugh – they will laugh too, this will help them develop a sense of humour. If they are being very good tell them, if they do something new, tell them they are clever. Always take time to recognise the good things your baby does, this will help them to feel good about themselves and your constant validation will encourage them to continue behaving well. At this time in their lives, they are exactly who and what we tell them they are, and they will believe us whether we are right or wrong.

Explain your baby's behaviour to them, let them know that it has a meaning, and help them to understand what they are doing. If they are misbehaving, be sure you tell them that their behaviour is naughty or bad – not them. Say, 'that is bad, that is naughty', or 'I don’t like what you are doing…’ Don’t say, ‘you are bad, you are naughty, I don’t like you…’ That is building up a negative belief system, that could could be very damaging and take years to correct. For example, instead of saying, 'no, don't touch that!,' say something positve, 'put that back, thank you,' or 'that's Mummy's, this is yours,' and give them something of their own to play with. Try to make the situation have a positive ending, by giving them a hug as soon as they change their behaviour, and tell them that is good, or you love them - in fact, tell them you love them as much as possible.

Encourage your babies and toddlers to explore their environment, don’t stop them each time they are trying to do something new; use an exaggerated, cautionary tone, saying ‘be careful instead’. Babies will pick up on your tone, and after a few mishaps, they will know what you mean. Be there to rescue them by all means, however don’t limit them with your own fears and experiences, let them create their own. For example if they try to stand and fall, don’t make a fuss unless they are really hurt – congratulate them for trying and encourage them to keep trying. If you are relaxed, then they will take your cue, and not get worked up over little things.

Set a basic routine for your baby so that they can learn what to expect at certain times of the day. They have their own circadian rhythm, watch them for signs of it, and take advantage of their own body clock to set your sleeping and eating patterns for them. Be flexible and change them when needed, for as babies grow into toddlers, their needs change. If you have a good routine, you will both benefit greatly, and that makes a change of environment less stressful, for if you stick to your basic routine no matter where you are, this will provide a great comfort for the baby. It is even better for toddlers, as they are more aware and a change of environment can affect them more.

If we don’t give them a strong belief system to build the rest of their life upon, it will start crumbling whenever pressure is applied. It is very difficult to do repairs, and rebuild after the event, so let’s do what we can as parents to avoid it. This includes interacting with everyone in a positive manner in front of our child – especially each other. Make an effort to make a calculated response to adverse situations yourself, instead of reacting negatively, by using anger or tears. If something doesn't work for you, persevere and keep trying until it does, apply positive thinking to your own life, and tolerance for others. This can be the hardest part sometimes, and although others may make this difficult , you are still accountable for your own behaviour.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe

Confident Young Man

Projecting Our Fears

2008-02-16T02:38:00.000-08:00

Our children are born as a clean canvas; we give them the materials and guidance to paint their own future. While they are born with their own genetic coding for personality traits, it is up to their parents to help them reach their full potential. Our children are a reflection of ourselves; we are our children’s first and most influential role models. It is a big responsibility; take the time to think hard about what image of yourself you are projecting on to your child. Ask yourself these simple questions:

(a) What sort of person do I want my child to grow up to be?

(b) Am I being a good example or role model of that type of person?

Many parents inadvertently transfer their fears to their children, it is a very common mistake. Our children believe that they are, and that they will be, anything we tell them; this includes things that they may fear. Although a lot of the personality traits that you and your partner have will be inherited by your child, you can still shape your child’s response to different situations. Your child will be closely observing your reaction to the events that happen in our lives every day. Your ability to deal with situations that may incite fear or anxiety, will be mirrored by your child.

Fear of spiders, snakes and dogs are very common and understandably so. However, a lot of these creatures are not dangerous, and some of them are down right useful to have around. If you are afraid of them; do you remember when/how you became afraid of them? Do you wish you weren’t? Does it benefit you in anyway? Is your fear, though real, reasonable? Do you really want your children to be afraid of them too? Would it be better to teach respect and awe of creatures that may be dangerous, instead of fear?

As a parent, you need to decide how you would prefer them to respond, then coach your children to do so without hesitation. I believe that the one thing we all have in common as parents, is the desire to prepare our children with all of the basic skills they need to be successful in their own way, in the world. If you don’t want your children to be a carbon copy of your current self, you may need to take action and make some changes to your own behaviour.

Knowledge is empowering, so take the time to learn all about the things you are afraid of. Find out what precautions you can take to be as safe as possible in regard to your fears. If you can't conquer your fears, at least you may be able to discuss them with your child in a reasonable manner, and teach them the correct way to deal with situations that may occur. Discuss a strategy with your partner to help you shape your child’s reactions in the future, so that he or she can respond appropriately.

Children will go through different ages and stages of being afraid of things, and some will be more susceptible because they are predisposed to be more sensitive etc. If we can teach them to be confident; proactive; solution orientated babies and toddlers, we can give them a good base from which to conquer new obstacles as children, teens, and adults. It is never too early, (or late), to start learning how to respond positively to life instead of reacting negatively. Even if you are pregnant, start thinking about it now, all successful endeavours require some planning, and preparation.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe