Fundamentals Of Friendship

Warringah Ratettes - Sydney Women's Premiership Winners 2007

Friendship can be a fickle thing, and as parents, we should do our best to guide our children to be good friends, regardless of how their friends treat them.  The old adage that friends are the family that we create for ourselves is very true.  Life's joys are enhanced when you share them with family and friend's, just as life's sorrows are easier to bear when you have loved ones to support you.

Through out our lives we experience all types of friendships and family relationships; some are healthy and some can be quite poisonous; we can learn from them all.  However we shouldn't let any of our negative experiences affect our children's friendships and jade their view of other people.  Instead, we should teach them how to be a good friend, and to recognise friends that are good for them; quality, is far more important than quantity.

This is my view on friendship, and as arguably their most influential role model; I will try to pass this philosophy on to my children. I will teach them that sometimes your friends may not always be on your side, or agree with you, however that is ok as long as they want what's best for you.

 

Friend's The Spice of Life

Life is like a great big juicy meal, you can nibble around the edges, and blow on it tentatively just in case it's too hot. Or you can throw caution to the wind and attack it with gusto, taking your fill and not worrying too much if you get burnt in the process. Life can be pretty bland, so to spice it up a bit, you throw in some friends... Friends can be very flavoursome, sweet, sour, hot, cold. The point is, they are there to enhance your life, and enrich it - not to be your life - for that has substance on it's own. As with herbs and spices in your meals, you often have different friends for different situations; life long friends from childhood; school friends; work friends; sporting friends; friends of friends; online friends; and acquaintances with whom you are friendly.

The key to having so many friends is ACCEPTANCE... Accept that they may not agree with everything that you do or say, yet know that they will respect you and support you if needed. How do you know that your friends will do this for you? Because that is exactly what you will do for them - and they know it. Seriously, do you agree with everything that all of your friends say and do? I doubt it, and if you pretend to, then you aren't really a good friend, as that is lying by omission, and not showing them your true self or being honest with them.

True friends don't expect their friends to follow them blindly, nor do they try to manipulate support for the actions they take and the choices they make. My wonderful friends don't use emotional blackmail to try and get you to support their point of view. They know, that even if I disagree with them publicly, I do so because I must follow my own conscience, make my own informed decisions as an adult, and travel my own path. I would be very disappointed if they themselves did anything less, and we are all confident in the knowledge that we will always be there when it really counts.

My friends know that I will say what I think always, and that I am honest in my expression of my opinion and fair - I treat everyone the same way - no exceptions. When I do something that is totally out of line, I listen to them, as I value their opinion. I take pleasure that someone cares enough to tell me if I am making a fool of myself, or heading for trouble. I will do the same for a friend, rather than stand by and watch them do something to the detriment of themselves or others.  Someone who cared less, and was merely a 'yes' friend, or as I like to call them a 'sheep' would not risk the aggravation, as it's easier to just get along by being agreeable all the time.

Like spices, certain friends are better suited to specific foods. They come in varying flavours and strengths, and they make that slice of life taste delicious. You can spit them out and regurgitate them, however I find that it is best to grin and bear it when they don't taste so good  You can't have too many real friends who accept you for what you are; can you? Imagine how bland your meal would be if you added spice to it that just blended in all the time?

Above all friends should enhance your life and be FUN! If they leave a funny taste in your mouth all the time, and make you feel uncomfortable, you can avoid that particular taste; remove them from your menu. Alternatively, you can store them away, for when your taste buds change, or they mature in flavour.  Encourage your children to build a vast menu of friends and acquaintances for every occasion. Remember that the most important ingredient in any friendship recipe, is to be an honest, trustworthy, supportive friend yourself.

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe & MissyMe

Honesty And Integrity

As our children grow, they will be faced with occasions where their beliefs and behaviour are questioned.  Their peers will take every opportunity to comment and make fun of any differences they show during their schooling years. 

When children move on to adult hood, the decisions and choices they make in life will begin to affect their future.  They may not always be successful in everything they attempt, and they will neither like, nor be liked by everyone they meet. Not being liked by everyone is a fact of life that need not hinder them in becoming the best person they can be..

As parents we need to try and model the type of behaviour that will help them to remain confident and steadfast with a healthy self esteem.  We also need to model honesty, consistency and integrity in all that we do and say, to instil the importance of these traits in our children.

Information Overload – Don’t Believe Everything You Hear…

Or read for that matter, take the time to do some research and find out whether or not you are being told the truth.  Even if you hear something from what you believe to be a trusted source – know that nobody is infallible – even when well meaning, and that ignorance is no excuse for you to make a poor decision. Teach your child to make empowered decisions and to form opinions based on the truth - show him the tools that he or she can use to find factual information.

Research is so easy for all of us; we have so many resources readily available...

Word of mouth - ask your friends, family and acquaintances use their experience and knowledge to help guide you.

Inside information - Look up companies and people who may know more on the topic and ask them for more details.

Your own personal life experience – learn to trust yourself and your own gut instinct when making a final decision.

Knowledge is power - the power to make informed decisions based on your research, your own life experience and your judgment is invaluable.

Don’t simply agree with something because you were told it – use your brains and find out the truth, there is no excuse for ignorance with so many forms of information media at our fingertips.

Be True To Yourself - Don't Be A 'Yes' Person...

Establish yourself as a good honest, reliable person in all that you do - decide what traits are important to you in a person, and be that person.  You don’t need to be liked by everyone, as long as you have personal integrity in all that you say and do.  Being true to yourself and presenting an accurate representation of your beliefs and opinions to the world will draw like-minded people to you.  Many people do anything to get attention, and get their family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances on their side – this short term fix can be quite damaging.

Poor decisions that people make in order to be popular...

Follow blindly – in order to please other’s and be accepted, people put aside their own belief system  and either follow the leader, or the pack.

Being two faced – saying one thing and doing another, pretending to be a friend only to learn secrets about someone.  Even if you say nice things and only think bad things that contradict this, you are still lying.  Lying becomes a habit, and lying to yourself promotes unhealthy inner dialog, and low self esteem.

Gossiping – it becomes a habit, and usually involves divulging other people’s secrets, telling stories that aren’t substantiated, and trying to influence other people.  Eventually, nobody will trust you, and you will be ostracised - even by people who care for you.

Attention seeking - being a drama queen about all life's ups and downs - even living your life through other people's dramas in an effort to be noticed.

Lying about yourself - making up stories to make you seem more interesting, or outright lies to make you seem nicer.  The truth always surfaces, be yourself, if that isn't good enough for someone else; it is your lucky escape, and their loss.

Essentially people who are displaying the above-mentioned traits are fake; and real people can only be fooled for so long.  They are neither being true to themselves of their friends, family, colleagues or acquaintances.  It is very unhealthy, as it causes inner stress and it can lead to a lot of heart ache.  People make some very silly decisions when they are caught in this situation, and their integrity can be permanently damaged.

By being a person who thinks for themselves; conducts themselves with integrity, and remains open to continued learning, you are being an excellent role model for your child.   Remember that this applies in all aspects of your personal and professional life, whether you are dealing with people in person, by telephone, or online. 

Luisa Foliaki - Mother of MicroMe & MissyMe